What Not to Say to Trauma Survivors: Lessons From a Week of Harmful Comments
Notes From Behind the Screen
I haven’t posted for a few days, and if you look at the website, you’ll see some changes. Two reasons for the break:
1. It was my husband’s birthday.
I love this man. He’s not just my husband — he’s my best friend, the best puppy/kitty daddy, my caretaker, my rock, my “I’m not gonna die today” security blanket. He carries more than any one human should ever have to carry, and he does it with love.
In past lives, I would’ve worked straight through his birthday.
This year, I stopped.
We celebrated him for days.
Because he deserves that.
And so do you.
You deserve love without earning it, joy without guilt, celebration without productivity.
2. I needed a minute to process the stupid shit people have said to me this week.
Let’s review:
Someone told me I “need to heal.”
As if I’ve been living in CPTSD/medical trauma land for recreational purposes.
Sure, Chad. Let me put my shoes on and get right on that.
Then I overheard a veteran explain why a friend “didn’t really have PTSD” because he wasn’t in combat.
Hate to burst your pearl-clutched bubble, but you don’t need a uniform to have PTSD.
Life is more than capable of traumatizing you without military assistance.
And then — the showstopper — a therapist told me that when she worked with vets, they were all “strong and funny,” as if that’s relevant to my life.
That’s not relating.
That’s making me invisible in my own damn story.
She also told me I should “feel grateful” my diagnosis only took two years.
I was TEN.
I thought I was going to die.
Tell me again how grateful I should feel about that.
Here’s the truth:
People say harmful things because they’re uncomfortable, uninformed, or trying too hard to relate.
But harm is harm.
And hey — you might not know you’re being a dick when you say this stuff. If that’s the case, follow along. I’m going to teach you what to say instead.
Because as I sit here looking civilized at my kitchen bar with my coffee and my laptop, I’m telling you right now:
**This shit has to stop.
Now.**
I’m done letting these comments slide.
I’m done letting people erase trauma survivors because they don’t know better.
I’m done pretending these tiny cuts don’t bleed.
From here forward, we’re burning the systems down — the ones that taught people these comments were acceptable.
We’re talking about:
what not to say
what to say instead
how to show up for trauma survivors with compassion instead of cluelessness
and how “I don’t know what to say” is sometimes the most trauma-informed thing you can say
If you’re nodding along, grab your torch.
We ride at dawn.
If this makes you uncomfortable, buckle up — education is coming. Please listen. I implore you for all the trauma thrivers in your life and statistically speaking, there’s at least one.
Let me say it louder for the people in the back:
This shit has to stop.
And I’m going to show you how.
Welcome to the Traumaverse.
